Friday, June 29, 2012

ow

So deciding to have a sob-free day was probably a bad idea being that I got some new ink. Ha. On the other hand, pain can be centering. When a very talented and capable tattoo artist is running a needle into your skin, you can't think about much else.

It's been a painful week but not in entirely negative ways:
Some people I love are going through really tough times. We have no idea of the outcome and there's more ahead. It's a minute-by-minute battle not to freak out with worry. I've been going through my own, self-inflicted misery and it's minute-by-minute too, sometimes. But guess what, I've lived through it so far and I'm okay. Wow. Then there's the pain of getting a tattoo. The first few cuts hurt a lot. A LOT. Today, I lay there thinking "WTF was I thinking?" Then it becomes routine. It still hurts, but it's become less of a surprise. I concentrated on breathing. Un-clenching. Ash and I talked about how hard it is to keep life simple and not fuck things up. I thought about my other ink and the reasons I'd gotten it done. Then, it was over. The lack of pain feels enormous, like a big beautiful bubble. But I wouldn't have got there without the previous ninety minutes.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

tldr

Not much better than new slang: tldr
My niece is super critical of how I talk. She's deemed cray cray to be old person slang. Same with jelly
I say, whatevs.
*
I wanted to bestow some hipster scorn on this band and on their video but both are oddly sweet and funny. Don't hate, just enjoy the wiggle.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

stuff about trust

Man I am learning some stuff about trust these days. Or more accurately: I'm in a position to learn about it. Whether I can/will/have/do is another thing entirely.
Change is good, impermanence is necessary--I get that.
I've been reading about (in)dependence and object permanence and want vs need, and I feel like maybe I didn't get what I needed to as a kid, but guess what, I'm no longer a kid. Somehow I gotta learn these things and hopefully I'll learn them before I damage something kind of lovely.
Hopefully.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

apropos of nothing

Sidewalk commentary, nothing better on the first day of summer.
*
I welcomed the solstice over the weekend at a local parade and fair, a homegrown event and while a little corny (free hugs from sketch-looking hippies--nah), mostly a blast, powered by people, and genuinely fun.

Monday, June 18, 2012

be good

What can you do to be good to yourself tonight, my shrink asks, at the end of our sessions.
This is a new shrink, by the way. A woman, slight, tattooed, insightful. I miss my old shrink but we'd become chums and our sessions were pally, gossipy chats. These sessions, with the new shrink, are painful. I come out feeling scoured and empty and raw.
How to be good to myself. Well, I'll tell ya. It's tough right now.
One of my closest friends is on his own delirious journey and not available for our customary daily chats.
I have family troubles going on, scary and deep and permanent.
I'm restless; changes are coming and none of them within my control.
If I come to rest, I think, and if I think, I get scared.
*
So how to be good to myself and yet not quite come to rest? It's a question.
I've tried long chill walks, or chocolate and trashy magazines, or yoga, or drinks with friends.
Yes, but sort of not yes. 
What I'd really like is to go to sleep, to just pass out for a week or two or a month and wake up floating in a warm sea, with music playing and my man lounging on the beach with drinks and a fluffy dry towel.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

happy gut

So I went out of town this weekend to a friend's birthday vacation. A dozen of us met up at a lakefront house about 3 1/2 hours from town. To get there you drive over mountain passes and along canyons and around sunset the scenery is particularly breathtaking. And yet, the more people commented on how amazing it all was, the less I felt. I got that it was pretty, and the trees and water and clouds and skies pleased me. But--I felt nothing. And I felt that my friends felt something, a kind of happy appreciation in their guts.
Realizing this made me feel alien. I thought about it a lot.
Other things give me that happy gut appreciation--all of us laughing together at dumb jokes, or seeing a foursome's fanatical concentration at the foosball table. But that exuberant appreciation of nature, looking up in awe and exclaiming at the stars?
I felt nothing, and I felt very much alone in knowing this.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

through

I want to believe in love. But, I believe in it less and less. At least for me.
Here's a bittersweet clip from "Everyone Says I Love You."
PS Marilyn Monroe sang this song in "Some Like it Hot." Nat King Cole sang it. But Goldie feels it.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

change

Boyeee, it's been a week in Seattle.
I hope we all come out on the other side without lasting damage.
And I hope I never see the likes of it again.
Also, what Subhan said.

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