the ups and downs

Staying at home has brought more than a few emotional ups and downs.
There's uncertainty--where are we on the spectrum? How long will it last? Is it safe to go outside, go back to work, go to the store, see friends? Have I had "it?" Will I get "it?"
Some guilt--that I'm not working hard enough or accomplishing enough or helping enough or resting enough.
There's the anger, of course. At the fuck-up politicians who gasbag and bloviate and have their hands out. At the virus itself. It's nature but fuck nature. And anger at my fellow humans, we are kind of terrible at staying away from each other and that's our nature too I guess.
Sadness. That so many people that I care about no longer have incomes and don't know what the future holds. Honestly, I don't know what the future holds. I've read somewhere on the Twitterverse that we're mourning the facade of certainty about our futures, and I guess that rings true.
Frustration for me personally, of not being able to go somewhere or even plan to go somewhere, other than the grocery store or possibly the pharmacy or a walk.
On occasion I experience a kind of denial or skepticism, wondering if it's really all that bad. And then I read that 50, 000 people have died, the number of people who die from the flu every season, but this is just within a month, and whether those numbers are right (and I'm guessing we're waaaaay undercounting since there's essentially no testing)--whether they're right those are tens of 1000's of lives lost and that is a tragedy.
Some days I feel peace; when I've had time to do yoga or go outside and walk, and I've had a nice lunch of pasta with radish green pesto from my CSA, or I've shared some laughs with friends--there are times when it all feels okay and that soon enough we'll be able to resume--well, something.
The despair I don't want to write about, but it's there, lurking. Especially when I read about the incredible cruelty and venality of my government. Wanting to keep poor people poor and help rich people get richer. Seemingly okay with brown people dying at higher rates. When I see my own family members carrying water for these crooks and liars. I don't see any of that changing anytime soon.
I do feel hope, though. I'm part of a community sewing masks--I've made 85 so far and have another 35 to go and we're helping those in warehouses and in medical support locations and doing deliveries stay safe. That feels good. We shouldn't "have" to do it but we are doing it. So in a small way I'm part of that.
There's no big finish here. I'm trying to sit with my emotions and of course failing at that too. Sometimes I medicate with a little bit, whether with a drink (I'm drinking a lot less though, strangely) or an allergy pill to go to sleep early, or reality TV. Anything to check out momentarily and not think.