c’mon man

It’s wild how much forgiveness is extended to certain segments of society.

As a not-young white woman I know I’m the beneficiary of such largesse too.

Last week I asked a man in his 70’s to please not touch me. We were working a parade event and he’d grabbed my elbow, asking me to make change for him.

It was the eighth or tenth time in the four times I’d been around him that he’d grabbed me. Many of the other volunteers avoid him, switching shifts or coordinating offline, because he always stands too close, talks too much about himself, and touches touches touches.

His face fell as he registered my request. Literally crumpled. Then he bristled. I just need change, he snapped.

Eventually he went to the bar and got a drink and sat down next to another volunteer, muttering that he hadn’t meant anything.

I know you didn’t, I said evenly. I just asked you not to touch me. You can talk to me without grabbing me.

Later, he apologized stiffly, not meeting my eye, repeating that he hadn’t meant anything, and then left. The other volunteer said, Don’t you think you were being too hard on him? He really felt bad. He was almost crying. And he apologized.

Now I bristled. It felt like I was the one in the wrong.

Maybe it’s a generational thing; they’re both in their seventies, but what kept coming back to me is his insistence that he didn’t mean anything by touching me. Which is devastating.

Because that’s it. That’s the issue. The unwanted touch that makes me recoil and causes all of us to trade knowing looks and whispers, is meaningless to him.

*

Also last week, I was in a meeting where a male co-worker was abrupt and dismissive to a woman co-worker.

((PAUSE to digest shock and reaction.))

(((OK just kidding. We all know this happens on the regular.)))

*

Every time the woman offered her expert recommendation, male co-worker responded with a curt, one-sentence answer. Later I messaged another (male) colleague and Colleague responded: oh he (Co-worker) is a great guy, our kids grew up together. Maybe he just a bad day.

Thus dismissed, I mentioned my discomfort to the project leader but she too demurred. Co-worker has a great reputation, she said. And he keeps offering to help with our project.

*

Flash-forward to this week and Colleague asked to chat with me. The expert woman had told him privately how dismissed she’d felt in the meeting, ignored, disrespected. Colleague was calling to apologize and figure out how he could listen better. I completely missed it, he said humbly.

So, validation, I guess.

To trust my instincts.

And a reminder to be a better ally and amplify women's voices.

*

Also, c’mon man! Guys, do better, so we don’t have to.