stuff my shrink says

I've started seeing my shrink again. We took a break. I felt like I needed to stop talking and start doing. (Also I've found shrinks are never quite ready to let go, it's like the world's longest talkiest break-up.)

But this shrink is a good one and is doing tele-health (which is a victory in and of itself, as pre-pandemic the shrink wouldn't even e-mail me, citing HIPAA laws). Pre-session I always get this panic like there won't be enough to talk about, my shrink will probably just say All good and end the session early. Ha ha. 

At our very first session back, I was relaying a long-awaited conversation I'd had with a family member, getting answers to questions I've had for years. My shrink said, "Oh was this family member X?" And I just had this feeling of gratefulness. I'm sure my shrink had just freshly re-read all the notes from the years of previous sessions, but my shrink knows and remembers, and that is pretty dang valuable.

I guess I'm writing this to encourage anyone who might be considering talk therapy. It's 100% worth it. Yes, it is kind of like the world's worst dating trying to find a good shrink, there has to be chemistry and trust, but sometimes even the ones that don't work out can be worth it.

(The exception is the counselor my ex and I saw, pre-divorce. A 90 minute session with her felt like 90 hours. Even though we were face to face, it felt canned, and strangely distant, like talking to the speaker at a fast food drive-thru.)

A previous shrink that I saw maybe six times, all on video chat, didn't work out. We never could figure out the video chat software, and once she did a session in what looked like her bathrobe. But she was the person who told me about Tara Westover's book "Educated," a book that I've read twice and has changed my life, so I'm grateful. 

Another previous shrink that I saw four times--and stopped seeing the day I sat in his waiting room for half an hour and he remembered our appointment only as he was hurrying out of his office, on his way next door to the medical marijuana spot--he's the one who gave voice, legitimacy, to the violence of my childhood. I talked about the yelling and the gaslighting and the hitting, and he held up a hand. "That, in my business, is what we call child abuse," he said. "And so should you." And I felt grateful in yet another way.

for your viewing pleasure

mfkz

Did I write about this movie, Mutafukazu or MFKZ? I watched it over Inauguration weekend, at an Airbnb. It's based on a comic, and it's strange and enticingly grimy and beautiful, which is to say, made by French and Japanese artists. I couldn't say what it's about, exactly. A lot of chasing and bad guys and angst. The main character Vinz's head is on fire. Vince Staples stars. I texted two friends, one of whom lived in Japan, raving about it, and never heard back from either of them.

ahoy

 

what I'm watching

My reading campaign continues but a friend gifted me a TV (I can never write the word gift without thinking of Dina Martina and her jifts) so it's been fun to watch stuff on a screen that's not 14 inches wide.

Recently:

•  "The Mitchells vs the Machines": I truly enjoyed this, mostly for the visuals and meme-related jokes. I worry it'll feel dated in about 5 years and it was about 20 minutes too long what with all the reiterations about family and a tedious rehash of a popular Rhianna song. The dad could have been more nuanced. But, visually it's a lot of fun and the winks at pop culture, with robot humor and a dog meme, made me laugh.
• Re-watched "Master of None" on Netflix. I wasn't sure if Aziz Ansari was cancelled after some articles about him being a d-bag to a woman he dated. I always enjoyed the camaraderie he captured with his friends, Denise saying what up dummies to the guys, Arnold's sort-of-knowing enthusiasm, the love letter to Italy. It was worth a re-watch although the last few episodes of season 2--the will-they-or-won't-they of chemistry-free Dev and Francesca--dragged. But season 3 will be all about Denise!
• I started "The United States vs Billie Holiday" and I don't disagree with the reviews that disliked the pain/porn aspect of it. I really like the luminous Andra Day and wish I had more of a sense of Ms. Holiday as a person, not a caricature of a performer. It reminds me a bit of "Ma Rainey" and how frustrated I was by Viola Davis's performance. Still, I'll finish the movie soon.
• And I'm about  halfway through "The Innocence Files," a Netflix series about the famed legal network trying to get wrongfully-convicted people--usually black men--out of prison. Each episode brings with it a renewed sense of how terribly broken our criminal justice is. And I wonder what I could be doing to help fix it.
  

alone

I went for my second vaccination shot alone. As with much of the pandemic and quarantine, news of my uncle's passing, the racial justice protests and election-related alarm, I've experienced major life events in 2020 and 2021 by myself. 

This day was no different. I double-masked and gathered up my documents, went in at the appointed time, filled out paperwork at one station, sanitized my hands about fifteen times, walked to another station where a burly tattooed man checked my paperwork and asked how my day was going and gave me my shot. All within about 8 minutes. I moved to a third area to wait just in case I got blood clots or my airway closed, took a vax selfie, took a picture of my vaccine card, grabbed a banana and left.

It was a world of difference from shot #1, where I waited around a busy grocery store for an hour. Nothing seems predictable in this After Time. I am grateful for science and a city and state that have taken this somewhat seriously. 

Now, two more weeks of waiting.

adapting

Well the CDC threw us all into a panic last week, what with the abrupt changing of mask guidelines. We're really going to rely on the honor system, on the mask-shamers and covid-deniers and other froot loops to NOW be honest and do the right thing?

Sure.

A downtown barbershop took immediate action with the above poster.. A Thai street food restaurant posted a picture of Biggie Smalls wearing a mask.

What are still not fully vaccinated folks like myself to do? I mulled this over for a couple of days, checked the news and social media, decided to avoid Trader Joe's (allowing vax-ed folk in sans-mask) and keep any in-store appearances as brief as possible. So I wrote a grocery list, and hustled into my local Kroger early this morning.

This being the 206, everyone was well-distanced and be-masked, although the usual jabroni, mask drooping below his nostrils, was roaming around. $50 later, I made it in and out in less than 15 minutes, hands sanitized and lugging two bags of groceries.

I'm looking forward to some judicious bare-faced cavorting sometime soon, don't get me wrong. But privately, and only among trusted comrades. 

me and the birbs vs squirrel

I've ventured into the world of wild bird feeders, now that the salmonella issue seems to have receded.

The most intriguing part is watching the evolving pecking order in the back yard. I've moved the feeder around a few times, since my initial set up was waaaay too squirrel-friendly. The very first day, I sat on a work call and watched a fat rodent, bushy tail switching, scarf down half the contents of the feeder.

Little birds with a nest in an old vent in the building next door swooped down from time to time, either to grab a snack or try to chase away bigger blue birds. The blue birds are loud and snippy, and sometimes fly close to the feeder to try and knock extra stuff out of it, that they then retrieve off the ground.

A crow has stopped by on occasion, much too big but still optimistic about scraps. And a reddish bird, but it wasn't very interested and flew off after just a moment or two. I even saw a bunny back there one morning.

My second attempt to re-hang the feeder deterred the squirrel for only a few tries. I laughed until I wept, watching it scramble from branch to branch, reaching and stretching and contorting and finally--success.

My most recent attempt seems so far to be squirrel proof. It comes by several times a day to re-investigate the feeder placement, try to find new branches to lean in from, falling and scrambling and sitting, glaring, tail twitching. Thus far, I'm victorious.

it must be said

 From the area formerly known as CHOP.

taking care of each other

As much as I gripe about how badly we're all behaving and don't get me wrong, some of us are (looking at YOU and YOU and YOU), even amid the grossness there are pockets of joy and caring.

I noticed today that the coffee shop owner had been closed for 2 weekends in a row. This is the person who told me how to get signed up for a vaccine, who taught herself to roast coffee beans and bake Vollkorn bread to sell and slips me extra treats with my Americano and always makes me laugh. So I texted, just to be sure all was OK.

Turns out the vaccine dose #2 kicked her and her helper's butts. They were down and out but hoping to be back soon, she said, adding, take care of yourself and we'll all get through this!

So I walked to another cafe, 2 blocks away. At this shop, an older man, in dirty pants and limping slowly, was making his way inside, hand trembling, for a refill. Mike has hung around this shop for as long as I can remember so I gave him some room. The barista got him in and out, kindly but briskly. I thought back to a rainy day last winter when he wanted a refill and the shop was busy and at least three of us standing outside in line offered to buy him coffee. When I got inside, the owner, bemused, said it was all taken care of. Mike lives in transitional housing and is fully vaccinated so while it's not the life I would want for myself, he's in as good a shape as he can be.

thanks motivational yard sign

 

one down one to go

I'm happy to report that I successfully achieved vaccine shot#1 a few days ago.

The setting was pedestrian in all senses: I walked to the appointment (about 80 minutes from my place), to a tiny pharmacy in a big impersonal grocery store. The waiting area was basically the aisleway between the store's self-check and the entrance doors, and about a dozen of us stood around, jammed up, masked and anxious, waiting in one line to check in, then aimlessly milling, waiting for our  names to be called. It was a nerve-wracking 40 minutes of standing too close, feeling light-headed, seeing a friend and swapping distant hello's, and then finally, hearing my name and heading in for the jab.

It's a big day, I said to the pharmacy technician, as she swabbed my arm with alcohol.

She chuckled. Do you have any questions?

Where to begin? The news is nothing but vaccines and masks and fury. My mind emptied of all coherent thought. Just don't let me see the needle, I said.

She said It's all over now, and I nodded, making sure to pick up my packet and vaccine card on the way out. 

After more than a year of waiting, this is finally a positive step towards--something. Seeing my fella for longer than twenty minutes. Towards seeing my family maskless, indoors, relaxed. Towards concerts and friend hangouts and catching-up drinks. For the fam in Canada, unfortunately, the wait will be longer.

boona boona

I've been waiting for a new coffee shop to open in town. Boona Boona is located in an old Cherry Street Espresso (rip) and the owner is of Eritrean descent. After spending time in Tanzania and Ethiopia, and especially enjoying the coffee roasting ceremony in Debre Birhan, I am solidly a fan of east African coffee.

Not to mention, buna is the Amharic word (ቡና) for coffee! 

Yesterday I ordered the Africano (aka Americano) and it was as robust and beany as I'd hoped.

The imagery on the cup and their merch reminds me of the iconic art you see near the rock-hewn churches in Lalibela, in northern Ethiopia. 

Now I'm thinking about the coffee at Tamoca in Addis Ababa. One day soon we will be able to safely travel again. I can't wait.