dreamtime

I've been re-watching "The Sopranos." This series was one of my favorites when it first aired. I was one of millions who screamed in disbelief at the series' closing credits.

Re-watching twenty-plus years later, a lot of the jokes and racist language seem less integral to the story than we all self-importantly believed back then. Ditto, the casual and very graphic violence Christopher wreaks on Adriana. There's also a heavy reliance on Tony's dream sequences, which I like less and less. Don't get me wrong, I'm a believer in dreams, in the old subconscious putting on unsubtle melodramas to try and get our attention. But here, and generally in fiction, TV, movies, dreams don't tell the audience much about a character that we don't or shouldn't already know. They're masturbatory exercises in writers and actors getting to do things the character never would do, within the confines of the show.

Anyway.

All that to say I've been having vivid, meaningful (to me) dreams. They're motivational. My mother and my grandmother made cameos. It's time to make some changes.

One, that a friend (DJ) died and their body was laid out in a room. I was trying to text the person's mother but couldn't get my phone unlocked. Then the Mom was there and my deceased grandmother sat next to me, all bright eyed in a fancy, silky shirt. The venue was a hotel in Spokane and there was an earthquake. The floor rippled but I wasn't scared. I hugged Gram. She felt so small and delicate. I'm just so glad you're OK, she said, and I knew she was referring to my mental health. Me too, I said. And I thought, I am free. I can do whatever I want.

Another: I dreamed that my job was chewing already-chewed food and vomiting it up. My boss, a cop, was being unethical. I was trying to jaywalk (one of my favorite pastimes) and I was told "The Major wants to see you." I went to talk to my boss, worried, and she tried to flatter and co-opt me. Then a dean at university flattered me too and promoted me and my mother was there. He pinched her butt as she left his office and I called him on it, outraged and he denied it. Then suddenly, I was moving into an apartment and it was an old restaurant and it was stuffed full. Someone had left all their work stuff in it--a desk, printer, office chairs, etc. 

A third: I dreamed I had 3 boyfriends. One a tall former-basketball player and bartender; another small and dark and affectionate. I can't remember the third. (When I told a friend, he said, "So just one person won't meet all your needs.") 

And then last night: I was driving a rental car and GPS confused me and I missed my turn. I was in Portland and the highway was littered with metal and body parts and big gaping holes. I was trying to navigate to a house but there was so much detritus I almost didn't make it. Then I was at the house and it was menacing and squalorous, possibly some abuse going on, a woman preventing me from leaving.