if I don't

If I don't publish a story in calendar year 2018, am I still a writer?
Of course yes and of course this is absurd to even ask but also of course this is the dialogue in my brain.
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Especially during the three-ay-ems, the middle-of-the-night freight train of worry that hurtles around my anxious mind.
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I've written a lot this year, new stories and refined stories, I've made videos, created gifs, taken on a professional communications gig, gotten more than a few "send us more" rejections, but no YES, no publication on my own creative merits, no whoop-de-do for busysmartypants. This is where I struggle.
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Do I stop?
Do I change things up?
Do I re-direct?
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I don't have answers.
Only questions.

work werq is

via GIPHY

it me

Graphic courtesy of Lauri Johnston

The deep deep

I don't recall ever feeling so deeply and completely tired.
I've reached exhaustion, and have gone past it.
My sleep is interrupted. Most nights I pass out and then a few hours later, awake in the dark. I get up and wrap myself in a blanket and read or do puzzles until I can rest again, even for a few minutes. The deepest sleep comes right before my alarm, when I can hardly rouse myself to slap at my phone and lie still, trying to summon up enough energy to step into the cold morning.
My days are like walking through a cold swimming pool, each step more tedious than the last.
I must keep moving or I may not ever move again.
The brain though--the brain perseveres.
Catastrophizing, imagining, worrying, spinning.
Each day, a year.
Each night, a decade.
Rest is a fruitless pursuit.

shame

Today I'm sharing an excerpt from a post, from Ask Polly on thecut.com, which is ultimately about shame and its usefulness in art.

I read this on a lunch break earlier this week, and it was one of those moments where everything else fell away, and I felt that the writer was talking directly to me.
I've been contemplating existential questions lately. Why do I write and create? Does it matter? Why does it even matter?
This is why.
Facing shame with an open heart, on a path to art.

they say i say

do the thing

Twitter this week has been inspiring, particularly Jenny Bhatt, Chuck Wendig and Quiara Hudes.
Now let's do the things!
And by "let us" I mean "ME."