what I wrote in October and November 2020

Back in October 2020, I started an unpublished post about the anxiety I felt around the election. I didn't want to forget the intense anxiety I felt. Six months after the insurrection, it sometimes feels like a very bad dream we all had.

--------------------

I stocked up on canned beans and coffee, and will get batteries tomorrow for my flashlight and big taser. I have Signal on my phone and know where my wind up radio is. The more 45 riles up his followers---the more we hear about kidnapping and murder plots against our governors (am I writing these words?!) and the threats of gun-owners and whiny sad-boy patriots, the more I realize that nothing will end on November 3.

If we prevail, the bigots will be angry and want revenge.

If we don't, they will rampage and be further emboldened.

Either way, we live in very dangerous times. I see photos and videos of my fellow citizens standing in line, sometimes for hours, to vote and it brings up strong emotion. Pride. Tears. A desperate desire for a change. I know we can do better. This needs to be the last gasp of white supremacy.

*

The more I listen and learn about racial justice and systemic injustice, the more I hear this word: dignity.

Prentiss Hemphill uses it during their meditation.

I heard it again today in the Goethe Pop exhibit for BIPOC artists "There Are Black People in the Future" featuring Midwestern artists.

October 21

40 million people have voted already, with just under 2 weeks to go.

Tens of thousands in King County alone. I walked to the ballot drop box yesterday morning and there were other people en route to do the same. I took a moment as I put my ballot in the box to wish it well. 

Americans are determined to have a say. Let us fervently hope we will be able to evict the disgusting, selfish criminal family from our house. I want to be with people on Election Night (even though chances are we won't know who prevailed). Also I don't know how. It will not be a night to be alone regardless of how it goes. 

I remember the night Obama won in 2008. I was at Triple Door with friends and the night was called so early, we were in shock. I kissed a stranger. We all ran out into the street and danced and cheered. It was an unbelievable night. 

I also remember 2016. I started at Central Cinema but by the time I arrived, the crowd was in silent shock. I'd intended to go see friends in the Central District, but they texted they were turning their TV off, too upset to keep watching. So I walked to the hill and ended up at Bill's Off Broadway. J came, also my friend D. We stood at the bar and boo'ed as states turned scarlet on the big screen. Some guys bought us whiskey shots. The election was called. We were in a state of sickened shock. How? Just--HOW? I awoke the next morning to see my phone full of texts and had this last desperate hope--it was a mistake, a bad dream, a glitch. But--no. No. The nightmare was real.

October 24

It's also hard to hear that things are going to get even harder, with the pandemic and also post-election. My boss shared a video made by the ombud yesterday that was shockingly blunt, for a work video. They are really telling us to prepare for the worst. It's hard to even comprehend.

Oct 31

Nervous nervous. Election day is 3 days away.

11/2

I struggle to concentrate. Sleep is a relief, until I wake up with a start.

So much uncertainty about violence, fraud. Refuse Fascism held a neighborhood meeting at the park yesterday afternoon. I stood next to D and as the speaker talked about a coup attempt we just looked at each other. How are we having this conversation?

We ARE having this conversation.

11/4

Yesterday was trauma. No other word for it. I stayed off the news as best I could, delivered whiskey to a friend in the pouring rain, made a stop at Grocery Outlet and talked to the clerk about apple pie, got mail, my CSA, did some work. Met another friend for a walk around 4.30. B picked up pizza and came over. We watched Killing Eve and made manhattans and finally checked returns around 8pm.

The Washington Post showed a path to 270 for -- not Biden. The other guy. THE OTHER GUY. I felt sick. It became clear around 11 pm we were not going to know but it did not look good. Fielded texts from friends, D (sitting on their floor in despair), a cousin. I took a Benadryl and slept fitfully.

Somewhat better news today but of course the other guy is mad tweeting. 

We are in the nightmare scenario now. Election stealing.

It shouldn't be this close. Fucking Florida and Fucking Ohio.

Happy Governor Inslee won handily, and the Squad. No Senate pickup which is unfortunate and beyond unfortunate just ghastly. FUCK.

11/8

After 4 days of feeling like someone was sitting on my chest--hardly able to breathe, of constant dread, waking up 100 times in a night, taking CBD mints just to get through the day, worrying and fretting and putting on a brave face--the news came in a flash at 8.30am Saturday.

I wrote on my blog. Still wondering if there will be violence, mayhem, faithless electors, if it really is true. We can't know yet. But yesterday was FUN. I forgot what it feels like to be outside and having a good time and it's random and exciting.