small talk is big talk

I stopped at the co-op this morning and the clerk seemed distant. It's hard to tell these days--we're all in masks and I'm trying not to step too close but also put in my debit card and throw groceries into my bag while keeping my bag from touching anything near the cashier.

Anyway, they finally asked How's it going and I thought for a moment and said, It all just feels weird.

I know they were making the small talk required of clerks, it's an upscale co-op and sometimes the chipper checkers are TOO much. Usually I just nod and say Great or whatever, just to get in and out.

But I also couldn't think of a way to just lie and say Great, and move on. 

#

In a year of unprecedented and challenging times, a pandemic Christmas was another punch to the gut. I spent about 6 hours on video chats on Xmas Eve and it was so nice to hang out with friends and family and keep up traditions by watching Dina Martina's holiday special and toasting my Capricorn pal's birthday. Xmas Day was a lot of driving around in a Zipcar in the rain and cold, dropping off vegetarian snacks at my sibling's and saying a quick masked outdoor hello, another stop to gift dog treats in a friend's back yard and another cold masked outdoor hello, and then sloshing home to shower, drink water and open up a few gifts alone.

I know it's what we need to do. I try to accept the loneliness and sadness and anger. It's hardest when I hear from younger family members that they're feeling the loneliness and sadness too. Or from friends who've gotten sick or whose livelihoods--art, dining, drinking, music--are dead. When I see houseless neighbors slumped in doorways or at bus stops. I can take it--I know hardship and pain quite well--but I want better days for those who have been hit hardest.

And, if I'm honest, I want revenge on all of the selfish, venal, criminal, hypocritical American politicans who have made this much MUCH harder and deadlier than it needed to be. Karma is a bitch, and I hope she hurries.

#

Anyway. The clerk at the co-op smiled under their mask and agreed. It all does feel weird.

I added, I think I'm running out of words. 

They nodded. I keep trying to explain to my partner how small talk with customers has changed. No one knows how to talk about--this.

I can't even imagine how small talk has evolved over the pandemic, I said, thinking, I wish there was a way to find out, what a fascinating story. Nodding to the clerk, I took my receipt. Well, I hope you have a good day.

They nodded back, eyes crinkling. Please take care of yourself. 

It was a brief moment of feeling understood and connected, between two strangers. It was small but for this morning, it felt like enough.