Monday, June 18, 2012

be good

What can you do to be good to yourself tonight, my shrink asks, at the end of our sessions.
This is a new shrink, by the way. A woman, slight, tattooed, insightful. I miss my old shrink but we'd become chums and our sessions were pally, gossipy chats. These sessions, with the new shrink, are painful. I come out feeling scoured and empty and raw.
How to be good to myself. Well, I'll tell ya. It's tough right now.
One of my closest friends is on his own delirious journey and not available for our customary daily chats.
I have family troubles going on, scary and deep and permanent.
I'm restless; changes are coming and none of them within my control.
If I come to rest, I think, and if I think, I get scared.
*
So how to be good to myself and yet not quite come to rest? It's a question.
I've tried long chill walks, or chocolate and trashy magazines, or yoga, or drinks with friends.
Yes, but sort of not yes. 
What I'd really like is to go to sleep, to just pass out for a week or two or a month and wake up floating in a warm sea, with music playing and my man lounging on the beach with drinks and a fluffy dry towel.

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