i am here for me

WHAT a tough week.
!!
I'm shouting, I know. It's been a shouty kind of week.
Each night I fell into bed feeling sore, like I had the flu and had also maybe fallen out the back of a speeding truck.
Each morning I woke before my alarm, only to drift off just before it jangled, fumbling for my phone and greeting the day with Noooooooo.

Life is hard for my fam right now, both sisters fighting ongoing aggressors.They are tough and I am tough and together we are tough but it's still a fight.
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It's hard for me to confide in non-family people. If they don't listen, I feel bad. If they listen and forget, I feel bad. Easier just to feel bad and keep it all to myself.
(Note, I didn't say better--just, easier.)
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In any case, there is much to feel optimistic about.
I'm writing. I made some good edits to a story I hope will finally get a yes somewhere.
I saw some good people this week. I made some new friends.
I did good work.
I hung out with my sisters and with my favorite 11-year-old.
My ink is healing.
Yes.

Ink

I got my first ink the other day, something I've always wanted to do. My youngest sis and I had discussed getting it done together. She's got a couple of tattoos and was thinking about another. I thought about what image to get, and where.
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Something classic but not trite, I decided--which ruled out Chinese characters, roses, skulls, the Jolly Roger or the old paw print on the boobs--and also not something I'd see on my flapping middle-aged bicep a few years hence and wish I'd spent the money on a spa day or a nice dinner or a lifetime supply of temporary tats. A native moon, I thought, a Haida design. But I couldn't find one simple enough to translate onto skin.
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But this I liked, the fleur-de-lis, the elegant, classic symbol of New Orleans. So, $80 later it's mine forever, tattooed into my left ankle. I won't lie, getting it hurt like the dickens. But there is something cleansing in pain that penetrates to your bones. It focuses you, clarifies your thoughts. How much in life is permanent? the artist said, as she was setting up to get started. And when it was over: Welcome to the club.